letters to you

Last night i had a dream about you. I was at some grocery store and they had these small televisions attached to the ceiling, the ones that play advertisements from the store on them, but they were all turned off. And all the customers throughout the store were very quiet, they just kept on walking and shopping without ever making a sound. No footsteps, just complete silence. I was leaving the checkout lane when i saw you just up ahead of me, out of grasp. When i looked at you, it was as if the store had disappeared, now it was only me, you, and the white empty void that we suddenly existed inside of. I could see your face, side profile, i could see your hair, brown and up to your shoulders, i could see that you were wearing a green, long sleeve shirt. You were faced away from me, i called out to you but you kept turning away, walking away from me, and i called out your name again but still, you walked away. I wanted so badly for you to just turn towards me, to simply acknowledge me, to see me. I realized i was in a dream and i called out for you again but i ended up saying your name out loud. In the end, you had left. Out of grasp, forever gone.

i don’t know why i had that dream. It felt so real. It felt like it meant something, but i don’t know what. I woke up and i felt that hole in my chest. I haven’t been able to get that dream out of my head all day. I’m thinking about it now and it hurts. It’s been months, why does it still hurt?

I’ve been having a lot of dreams about you for the past couple of weeks. Last night the dream involved you coming back to start working on our relationship again. We had sex and you made comments that were directed at my self-esteem. As soon as I tried to say something serious about doing things right this time you became hostile. I put on a movie I had never seen that I didn’t know I possessed, it was extremely gory and it felt very real. I tried to tell you that I had never seen it and you scoffed at that. You decided to leave because of it, I got on my knees in front of the door and begged you not to leave. Then I was realizing that I was doing something wrong by blocking the door, I remembered when I woke up that I had done that before. All of these sounds were made, not for you, but because of you. You’ll never hear them and I’ve come to accept that. They were made to try to stitch up the wounds you and so many others left on my skin, they’re still wide open. At least I tried to do something about it instead of running away like you likely did. “You think I’m shit. Well you’re wrong. ‘Cause I’m champagne, and you’re shit; and ’till the day you die.”

I don’t hate you, – – -. You’re right though, I was frustrated that you wouldn’t talk to me, even despite me knowing that you’re dealing with personal issues. I blocked you because rather than me taking a step back and thinking how you were feeling or understanding that you don’t have to talk to me or conveying how that made me feel, I instead just blocked you. I am emotionally immature, I’m incapable of truly telling people what I’m thinking or how they have made me feel, I just block people and take harsh actions. I’m tired of being like this, whether it’s due to childhood trauma or past friendships or whatever, I’m tired of acting like that. I’m trying to not be that way. Previous friendships are the reason I’m so clingy I think, I hold on so tightly because I’m afraid of being left alone again, and that in turn, obviously, pushes people away from me. Regardless of that, it’s not an excuse for me to act like that. I don’t know if you honestly hate me, either because of this or from before when you said you didn’t want me to talk to you anymore. I don’t know if you pushed me away because I’m clingy or if you pushed everyone away. I would say that we were close friends, I care about you, if you don’t want to talk to me then that’s okay, if you don’t want to read this then that’s okay. I hope you talk to your friends though, just want you to be safe, you know?